


There For Me

by afteriwake



Category: CSI: NY
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-20
Updated: 2012-09-20
Packaged: 2017-11-14 15:33:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/516866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afteriwake/pseuds/afteriwake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had a bond, a bond so close that sometimes she needed to push him away, but she didn't want to turn to anyone else with what she was feeling right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There For Me

**Author's Note:**

> Set after "Charge Of This Post."

  
_I found myself today,  
Oh I found myself and ran away,   
But something pulled me back,   
Voice of reason I forgot I had_   
Hilary Duff, "Someone's Watching Over Me"   


She wanted to give up. Something inside her was broken, and she just wanted to give up and let the feeling of helplessness wash over her. It was easier than having to get up every morning and go through the motions every day and have a fitful sleep every night. The days seemed to blend into a cycle that was driving her crazy.

Right now, though, she sat at Mac's favorite diner, cup of coffee cradled in her hands. No one she knew was there, and she'd tried to time it to avoid Mac, but as she heard the bell above the door ring as someone opened it, she knew he'd shown up. She didn't know how, but she just _knew_. Maybe it was the years they'd worked together, maybe it was just... It could be any number of things, she realized.

"Coffee, please," she heard him say as he sat down on the stool next to her. He said nothing to her, just waited patiently while his coffee was brought to him.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. It wasn't comfortable, mostly because she got the feeling there were things he wanted to ask her about, to say to her, and he didn't know how to begin. So she decided to save him the trouble and make conversation first, even though she really didn't want to.

"I needed a break." She didn't turn to look at him.

"This is a good place for a break." She heard him rip open some sugar packets. Two, and eventually he'd add some creamer to the cup. It was routine, one she'd seen plenty of times. Now she didn't even need to see it; she could close her eyes and see it play in her mind clearly if she had the inclination.

"I figured I'd be alone."

"Do you want to be alone?"

"Yes."

He said nothing, adding his creamer and stirring it in. She shut her eyes and waited for him to say something. Instead, he took his coffee and left the counter. She could hear him moving to a booth almost directly behind her.

She didn't want him to go. She didn't really want to be alone. But she pushed him away, just as she pushed everything else away lately. The implication of Danny at a murder scene, the incident with Frankie, Aiden's murder, Flack's injuries... She had felt so helpless to do anything in each event, and she'd pushed it away to be able to function like a normal human being.

And the one solid rock in her life had willingly left her alone. He hadn't even put up a fight...he'd just left. She opened her eyes and found a tear slipping down out of them. This was too much. She uncurled her hands from around the cup and rotated the stool to face him, only to find he was looking straight at her, his coffee completely untouched.

"You idiot," she said quietly.

"Me or you?" he asked, picking up his coffee and coming back over to the counter.

"Me. You. Both of us." She watched him sit back down next to her. "I don't know what to do, Mac, I really don't."

"I don't either." He reached over and wiped the tear from her face. "All I know is we have to keep going."

She didn't flinch at his somewhat intimate touch; the only men she'd let get close to her since she'd shot Frankie were the men she worked with, and all of them avoided touching her in anything more than a hug. She had almost been afraid she'd flinch if he did touch her any more than that. When she didn't, she felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

"I hate this whole situation."

"I do too." He hadn't moved his hand much, instead sliding it gently down her face until it dropped away. He'd never been like that with her, not in all the years she'd known him. He could comfort, and he had before, but this gesture was so intimate it almost made her want to cry more, let more tears fall down her face so he'd touch her again. Her gut clenched and she thought about turning away.

She'd have no control if anything happened between them. She knew that, and she wasn't ready to let another man get that close to her, not now. And not him; he was a friend, a close friend, nothing more. But still...

She felt him take her hand gently in his. She still didn't move, which surprised her. Maybe she wasn't as helpless as she felt; she knew how to seek out comfort, and how to receive it, and comfort would help her heal. She knew this, and she was fighting all her instincts at staying helpless in order to protect herself by letting him comfort her in his own way.

"Thank you," she said quietly, finally turning away, pulling her hand from his and turning back to her coffee. This time, as they lapsed into silence, it was comfortable, just like it had always been.

She finished her coffee and started to reach for her bag to pay, but his hand went on hers again. "I'll get this." She said nothing as he paid for the two coffees, and then he stood up. "Stella..."

"Yes?"

"If you want to talk, I'll make the time for you."

She nodded mutely, then watched as he turned around to leave, She turned back to her cup and she realized she was going to break out of this cycle one way or another. She got up and walked to the door, slowly at first, and then with quickening steps until she was out the door and hurrying to catch up to Mac.

"Hey, Mac. Can I take you up on that offer to talk?" she asked when she got behind him.

"Now?"

"Yes. Now."

He nodded. "Like I said, I'll make the time." She stepped up next to him and they walked down the street as she started telling him about how she felt. As it spilled out, she felt lighter, like a load had been taken from inside her and spread out in front of her. She didn't think about what she was saying, she just said it. How she felt about life, about circumstances, about how much she hurt and how scared and lost she felt. And she told him how she felt about him, as best as she could verbalize it.

He said nothing when she stopped, and she realized they were outside the labs by that point. "And that's about it," she said lamely.

He still said nothing but he took her hand in his. The simple gesture once again almost brought the tears back, but she held them in check. He rubbed the top of her hand with his thumb. "I'm glad you told me."

"I'm glad I am, too." She looked at their hands. "You're a good friend, Mac."

He nodded. Then he let go of her hand and gave her a small grin. "Will you make time for me later?"

"Of course."

"Good."

She got a good look at his face and saw the same look she saw in her mirror every day in his eyes. She wasn't alone. She wasn't helpless. And with that thought, she closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around him in a hug. When she felt his arms come up around her, she closed her eyes and realized just how lucky she was to have him in her life.


End file.
